Events
parents arguing a lot
im very scared mariage
breakdown- dad starts really
targetting me - very very bad
and hating me
- brother treated well
- I believe: this is my fault
I'm bad childI try to absorb dad's
abuse to protect mum
and brother
I become aware I am
not to blame and that he
is not fairI'm born. Very happy family
Very loving mother. Love dad.
Dad is tough, often not home working
I love him.Brother is born I love him, he
is destructive and weird
but my brother
Family move to High Wycombedad endlessly blames me
for bullying brother. its exaggerated
we fight but its not badpubertyDad's behaviour beomes VERY bad to me
insanely critical and forces me to accept daily verbal
attacks and banned from showing sadness or frustration
physically very intimidating, cannot win, very unfair, I cannot speak out
internally feel like I am burning and insane with fury outside must not show itdad realises when he's punishing me I
am hitting my head
against walls afterwards and hitting things
in frustration - and he is furious as this is
act of defiance - he is obsessed with acts
of defiance, paranoid. im too scared to defy
im trying to deal with internal carnagefirst real thought of killing self
(train)Periods
my behaviour becomes noticeably dark and macarbe. I think its funny/ empowering.
teachers start to notify parentsMy personality starts to really change, feel tired inside, Cant smile, weighed down,
constantly afraid of dad weighs on my mind.
- I find it very hard to talk, I can't speak up, I go unusually silent around any stranger.- I first start to damage myself, hitting things in anger, cutting with comb
bloodying knuckles on walls, hitting self to
relieve the internal stress, gives real 'relief'
- also start hitting and smashing inanimate objects in temper
- people start to call me weird and know I'm quiet / macarbe otherwise I have friends e.g. 5 I'm extremely loyal
- start negative thought cycles alone, working self into frenzy
- I focus on esacping home, to university in1999I'm fun child and make friends without trying, very fun loving,
good sport excitable but also focus and naturally intense
and concetrate v intensely.
teachers notice very strong academic ability- find move to wycombe
and working class school
very different
- feel very different but
liked and have friends
- disliked and bullied
by teachersmove to middle class
school, im quieter and
less confident but
make lots friends,
but low social status
- unchallenged by school
- teachers think im
unacademic, just bored- Big personality change - brain switches to see negativity and peoples' dislike or dissapointment as positive
- revel in people disliking me
- become noticeably more agressive and push out risking getting in fights a lot.
- very aggressive thoughts and attitude, see it as 'power' (defense mech).
- people find my demeanor intmidating, I enjoy this
- against violence but would not hesitate- Royal Grammar School High Wycombe - against all expectations
and aghast teachers , do *insanely* well in 12+ entrance exam
- Adore the excitement of learning and intelligence and feel
finally "found my people"
- Do not distinguish self at school academically, poor class grades
- Repeatedly get excellent exam grades- Imperial College, Science Technology Medicine
- Find people amazingly clever, first time I'm not cleverest person I know
- Do not distringuish myself or try hard
- Very lonely, hardly any friends, very self conscious of this
- Get VERY high thesis grade enough to get good 2:1- liberal middle class
montesory school
- progressive.
- lots of friends.
- noted for academic
ability and intense
focus
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