My so called life

parents arguing a lot im very scared mariage breakdown

- dad starts really targetting me - very very bad and hating me - brother treated well - I believe: this is my fault I'm bad child

I try to absorb dad's abuse to protect mum and brother I become aware I am not to blame and that he is not fair

I'm born. Very happy family Very loving mother. Love dad. Dad is tough, often not home working I love him.

Brother is born I love him, he is destructive and weird but my brother Family move to High Wycombe

dad endlessly blames me for bullying brother. its exaggerated we fight but its not bad

puberty

Dad's behaviour beomes VERY bad to me insanely critical and forces me to accept daily verbal attacks and banned from showing sadness or frustration physically very intimidating, cannot win, very unfair, I cannot speak out internally feel like I am burning and insane with fury outside must not show it

dad realises when he's punishing me I am hitting my head against walls afterwards and hitting things in frustration - and he is furious as this is act of defiance - he is obsessed with acts of defiance, paranoid. im too scared to defy im trying to deal with internal carnage

first real thought of killing self (train)

my behaviour becomes noticeably dark and macarbe. I think its funny/ empowering. teachers start to notify parents

My personality starts to really change, feel tired inside, Cant smile, weighed down, constantly afraid of dad weighs on my mind. - I find it very hard to talk, I can't speak up, I go unusually silent around any stranger.

- I first start to damage myself, hitting things in anger, cutting with comb bloodying knuckles on walls, hitting self to relieve the internal stress, gives real 'relief' - also start hitting and smashing inanimate objects in temper - people start to call me weird and know I'm quiet / macarbe otherwise I have friends e.g. 5 I'm extremely loyal - start negative thought cycles alone, working self into frenzy - I focus on esacping home, to university in1999

I'm fun child and make friends without trying, very fun loving, good sport excitable but also focus and naturally intense and concetrate v intensely. teachers notice very strong academic ability

- find move to wycombe and working class school very different - feel very different but liked and have friends - disliked and bullied by teachers

move to middle class school, im quieter and less confident but make lots friends, but low social status - unchallenged by school - teachers think im unacademic, just bored

- Big personality change - brain switches to see negativity and peoples' dislike or dissapointment as positive - revel in people disliking me - become noticeably more agressive and push out risking getting in fights a lot. - very aggressive thoughts and attitude, see it as 'power' (defense mech). - people find my demeanor intmidating, I enjoy this - against violence but would not hesitate

- Royal Grammar School High Wycombe - against all expectations and aghast teachers , do *insanely* well in 12+ entrance exam - Adore the excitement of learning and intelligence and feel finally "found my people" - Do not distinguish self at school academically, poor class grades - Repeatedly get excellent exam grades

- Imperial College, Science Technology Medicine - Find people amazingly clever, first time I'm not cleverest person I know - Do not distringuish myself or try hard - Very lonely, hardly any friends, very self conscious of this - Get VERY high thesis grade enough to get good 2:1

- liberal middle class montesory school - progressive. - lots of friends. - noted for academic ability and intense focus