may 2, 2011 - went to psychologist

Description:

In the course of summer, I had appointments with a psychologist recommended by one of my mom’s colleges.
The topics discussed during appointment were mostly centered around the family matters. How I felt about my parents’ separation.
The way it worked was that every session, I would attend with my mother. She would first go in and I would wait for her in the lobby and then it would be my turn.
Due to my mother having to work we always (mostly attend during the last time slots available for the doctor, therefore I would have to sit all alone in the waiting room for my mom.

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One night after we were done with the doctor my mother took me spontaneously for dinner and when we got home at the door, she looked me in the eye, hugged me, and told me that she loved me more than everything and she would not survive past one week if anything were to happen to me. And that is where it hits me, that’s when I decided to fix my life.
I remember I was in her arms thinking that that’s it, I’m going to fix myself. I’m going to make my mom happy; I remember breaking down in her arms and told her about all the sexual adventures I had with Lavin. In August we went on a trip which kept me away from the thoughts. After September, I throw myself into my study and tried to stay focused.
Therefore I stopped with anything sexual for a while. Even next time when Lavin was over after her suggestion to watch the porn channels I told her if she askes one more time, I would tell on her.

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Sometimes out of curiosity I would sit close to the door so I could hear them.
It was after the 4th or 5th session that I heard the doctor talking about me. The doctor believed that my intense interest in men could have roots in the lack of male affection or father figure in my life.
Usually this would come from a father figure but since I could not experience it in my life, I would go overboard with affection feelings toward men.
For some reason, this sentence I feel might have the biggest impact on me.
I felt damaged, I felt like a broken program.

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After the explanation from the doctor, I heard my mom ask: “and what about shock therapy? Does he need it?”.
To which the doctor answered “I don’t think so. He’s still very young and I think if we follow up on my diagnosis he’ll be just fine.”
Out of curiosity I Decided to search what shock therapy was. The result shocked me to my core and scared the living hell out of me. Not knowing any better I considered it a normal recovery procedure which I had to go through in case I didn’t get any better.


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Sometimes the secretary would keep me company but mostly we’d get there so late that as we walked in, she’d be leaving she was really kind. (age around 22 or so) and I really liked the way she looked. We used to talk when my mom had her time with doctor. I even remember bringing her a music CD once back then.

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So basically, a mixture of good times, lover for my mother and a deep scare of the whole “shock therapy” kept me away from any sexual thoughts let alone any “gay thoughts”.
This went on until mid-October when I had my first sexual dream. It was all about the secretory at the psychologist. I was felt relived at some point, at that point I thought I was fixed and even brought some of my self-estimate back. But from the other hand, I was so confused. I let myself believe that probably that was just the normal way. Like, even after wards I woke up I was like wtf was that? It’s amazing.
I remember how happy I was about it tho. I felt like my prayers have been answered. As if I was healed.

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